No that title is not intended to sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger. But it is a phrase we are saying pretty regularly here these days. We are trying to so hard to get Mercy to understand that when one of us leaves we will be back. So when Scott leaves for work he says "I'll be back." When the kids leave for school they say "I'll be back." When anyone of us leave for something we say "I'll be back." She's catching on because yesterday when I had to take Michaela to her Bible study I told Mercy "I'll be back." With that she chased me across the foyer screaming. I guess she didn't want me to leave. Tonight Scott and I had Michaela's meet the teacher back to school night. It was only the second time we have both left Mercy t the same time. Each of us has left her, but one of us is always home with her. Tonight as we both kissed her good-bye and said "I'll be back" she again headed for the door in tears. Thankfully she did stop crying and stayed content and happy while we were gone. When we got home and we walked through the door I don't know who gave us a bigger greeting, the dog or Mercy. She jumped into my arms and burried her head into me and then looked up into my face and shouted "back!" I could have cried. Yes, sweetheart mommy came back. I will always come back.
Tonights welcome back greeting hits the heart hard because she always seems shocked when we come back. Tonights greeting also hit the heart hard because it assured me that she is bonding. She embraced me, she was excited to see me, she was excited to see Scott. Tonight when I put her to bed she fell asleep in my arms again and when I put her in the port-a-crib she didn't cry. She held her hand up, I poked it as I always do, and she turned over and peacefully fell back to sleep. I love this journey we are on. I love watching her wrestle with and then grow in trust. I love slowly watching her walls come down brick by brick. I love the picture it displays of our human hearts towards God. I love her and I am beginning to think she might be starting to love me too.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
A Beach Bum in the Making?
We did manage to make it through the entire day. Scott and I juggled Mercy in our arms on and off, back and forth all day long. Our kids saving grace was when she conked out drinking her bottle and ended up taking a three hour nap under the umbrella with that ocean breeze blowing her wispy hair. Honestly, it was the perfect ending to a really great day. The kids, Scott and I got our beach fix, and Mercy slept off the horror we subjected her too.
Mentally it was really great for Scott and I too. We were told by many that we would be able to enjoy the beach despite her Albinism and sun sensitivity, but there were a few times this summer that left us wondering if that was true. As far as the sun is concerned she did great. It was more the the unfamiliarity and new senses that kept her cranky and fearful. We lathered her up with sunblock a couple times during the day, put sunglasses on and kept a hat on her head (when she would let us) and when she wasn't down by the water we kept her under a beach umbrella. It wasn't much different than what we have done for our other kids. OK, maybe I worried a little more about sunburn, but she walked away from the entire day as white as when she started.
It was a great day for Scott, me and the kids. It was a great day of making a new memory, now as a family of six. However, I think it's safe to say Mercy mostly hated the beach. We'll try again next year and hope she has a change of heart.
I'll let the pictures speak for Mercy.
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| OK, I did NOT like that! |
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| Mommy please rescue me. |
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| This one does make me feel a little sorry for her. |
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| She sat in her chair like this as much as possible. Everything tucked up tight and away from the sand. Wouldn't even put her feet down. She is checking out a seashell her sister gave her, but she wouldn't touch it because it had sand on it. |
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| Sleepy or traumatized, the verdict is still out. |
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| Check out that wind blown hair! |
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| Happy to be heading off the beach and away from that giant swimming pool my family calls an Ocean. |
Thursday, September 5, 2013
Audiology and Dermatology
Yesterday we headed to CHOP for two more appointments. Our first stop was Audiology to have Mercy's hearing tested. Back when we received her Chinese medical records there were references made to her hearing that left us with one of those unknowns. Was she hearing impaired? When we were in China we knew that couldn't possibly be the case because she seemed to hear EVERYTHING. However, she did have a severe ear infection when we were in China and when we returned home the doctor confirmed that her ear drum had been perforated, but was healing. Yesterdays visit showed that her left ear drum is still not healed. It also shows that she is hearing impaired. What does that mean? For the moment it means we know she does not have much hearing in her left ear and she also shows a slight impairment in her right ear. However, it continues to leave many unknowns because what we don't know is whether the hearing loss is permanent, or can be improved. So audiology is sending us to Otolaryngology (in laymans terms Ear, Nose and Throat). Once we see them we will hopefully get more answers. In the meantime we are praying hard that the hearing loss is temporary at best, or can be improved with a hearing aid at worst. What we don't want to be told is that it cannot be improved at all, that would be hard to hear. (no pun intended) Mercy is already a low vision child, so we know that hearing is a vital sense for her to navigate, especially in unfamiliar surroundings or bright settings. So please join us in praying that her hearing is fully restored.
Another funny thing that came out of Mercy's audiology appointment was discovering I am hard of hearing too. They put the three of us (Scott,Mercy and I) in a sound proof room. Scott held Mercy on his lap and I sat on a chair across from them. Scott had a basket of blocks and I held an empty basket. We played a game with Mercy where when she heard a noise she was to take a block from daddy's basket and place it in mommy's basket. At one point she picked up a block and dropped it in and I said "no no, you need to wait for the noise." Scott looks at me and says "there was a noise." For the rest of that test there were certain times when I heard nothing and should have been hearing something. So now when I say to Scott "what did you say?" he can no longer get frustrated because apparently my hearing is not that great. HA!
Our next stop was Dermatology. This was by far the easiest appointment we have had to date. We loved Dr. Treat. He gave her body a once over and found nothing alarming or concerning. Dr. Treat actually praised us for how well we are taking care of her skin. He gave us a few more tips to keep her skin protected and that was that. He also shared that once Mercy turns 20 she will probably not age at all. So when she is 50 she will still look 20. Lucky girl! If we all stayed out of the sun or protected ourselves the way she requires, we could look younger too. Although her Asian genes will also help in her "fountain of youth" appearance. We really loved this doctor and as long as he continues at CHOP we will see him once a year for the next 8 years, and then possibly more often after the age of 10.
I will share one cool thing that came out of her dermatology appointment yesterday. We did have resident doctors for this appointment, besides Dr. Treat, and we witnessed a lesson on Albinism that made me smile. Mercy has a pretty bad bruise on her leg, so the physicians assistant asked why that should cause concern to the resident. I knew the answer and was so proudly ready to answer. The resident had no idea why bruising on a patient with Albinism should be concerning. The answer is because it should point to the possibility of Hermansky Pudlak Syndrome. Of course, we already know that Mercy does not have it, but the residents wouldn't know that. So it was cool to see them being educated on something so rare, and getting that experience and knowledge during their training.
Scott and I joke that every time we have gone to CHOP we walk away with a few more appointments on our calendar. Yesterday was no different. Besides ENT, we also need to see a Neurosurgeon. It's probably nothing at all, just routine for a Sacral Dimple she has. But a Neurosurgeon is the type of doctor who specializes in confirming whether or not is is something. So two more specialists and two more appointments added to our calendar, but hopefully we can schedule them for the same day and make only one trip.
Here are a few candid moments to highlight the day.
Another funny thing that came out of Mercy's audiology appointment was discovering I am hard of hearing too. They put the three of us (Scott,Mercy and I) in a sound proof room. Scott held Mercy on his lap and I sat on a chair across from them. Scott had a basket of blocks and I held an empty basket. We played a game with Mercy where when she heard a noise she was to take a block from daddy's basket and place it in mommy's basket. At one point she picked up a block and dropped it in and I said "no no, you need to wait for the noise." Scott looks at me and says "there was a noise." For the rest of that test there were certain times when I heard nothing and should have been hearing something. So now when I say to Scott "what did you say?" he can no longer get frustrated because apparently my hearing is not that great. HA!
Our next stop was Dermatology. This was by far the easiest appointment we have had to date. We loved Dr. Treat. He gave her body a once over and found nothing alarming or concerning. Dr. Treat actually praised us for how well we are taking care of her skin. He gave us a few more tips to keep her skin protected and that was that. He also shared that once Mercy turns 20 she will probably not age at all. So when she is 50 she will still look 20. Lucky girl! If we all stayed out of the sun or protected ourselves the way she requires, we could look younger too. Although her Asian genes will also help in her "fountain of youth" appearance. We really loved this doctor and as long as he continues at CHOP we will see him once a year for the next 8 years, and then possibly more often after the age of 10.
I will share one cool thing that came out of her dermatology appointment yesterday. We did have resident doctors for this appointment, besides Dr. Treat, and we witnessed a lesson on Albinism that made me smile. Mercy has a pretty bad bruise on her leg, so the physicians assistant asked why that should cause concern to the resident. I knew the answer and was so proudly ready to answer. The resident had no idea why bruising on a patient with Albinism should be concerning. The answer is because it should point to the possibility of Hermansky Pudlak Syndrome. Of course, we already know that Mercy does not have it, but the residents wouldn't know that. So it was cool to see them being educated on something so rare, and getting that experience and knowledge during their training.
Scott and I joke that every time we have gone to CHOP we walk away with a few more appointments on our calendar. Yesterday was no different. Besides ENT, we also need to see a Neurosurgeon. It's probably nothing at all, just routine for a Sacral Dimple she has. But a Neurosurgeon is the type of doctor who specializes in confirming whether or not is is something. So two more specialists and two more appointments added to our calendar, but hopefully we can schedule them for the same day and make only one trip.
Here are a few candid moments to highlight the day.
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| Hanging out in the sound proof testing room. |
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| She was't to sure about the hospital gown. |
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| Entertaining herself while waiting. |
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| This girl LOVES her daddy!!! |
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Gasin' Up
I thought I would make a few attempts to just simply write about our days here. A journal of daily life as we continue to adjust, and because I know that looking back can help me remember how far we have come. Looking back brings encouragement when looking forward seems so dim and dark.
Overall, today went pretty well. It was the "second" first day back to school, as we had a long weekend with the kids being home Friday and Monday. I expected Mercy to be clingy, so I prepared accordingly and sure enough she was. She had Vision and Speech Therapy this morning and being clingy, along with her desire to write her own agenda made her fairly uncooperative. We got through the two sessions, but I can't say I felt either was productive or moved her forward today. Once her therapists left she was stuck to my hip until lunch time. After lunch we played for a bit and then got ready for nap time. Today she fell asleep in my arms before she was even finished with her bottle. I had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish during nap time, but let it go to just soak in the moment of holding her. She has been home with us for a little over three months and I think I can still count on one hand the times she has actually slept in my arms. She normally fights it. So I knew this was a rare and important moment to take in.
She woke up happy. That is also a rarity. Actually I don't know that she has ever woke up from a nap happy. She has woken up happy in the morning, but never at nap time. I guess she just needed to be held tight?
Later this afternoon I had to run the kids to music lessons. Since the weather was so beautiful I took the two littlest to the park in between. Mason is such a sweet big brother to her. He carried her up the steps, positioned her on his lap and held her tight as he took her down the slide. As they reached the bottom she signed for more and he scooped her up and took her again. I don't think Mason weighs to much more then Mercy. She is a hefty little girl and he's a scrawny little boy. He struggled to carry her, but he did it proudly and with great perseverance. I loved watching them together.
Later tonight Mercy and I headed out to do some grocery shopping. I would normally leave her home with Scott, but the other kids needed to finish up homework so I thought eliminating the sweet little distraction known as Mercy might help. We got to the store and there was a pretty foul smell in the air. As I opened the door to get her out she was pinching her nose closed. Cracked me up.
After shopping I stopped to fill the gas tank because we have another trip down to CHOP tomorrow. As I was pumping the gas I could hear screaming from inside the car. I opened the door to find her screaming, shaking and crying. I knew instantly she was terrified because well one I've seen her like this many times before and two she was in the car alone as I was out pumping gas and it was dark. I felt so bad for her. I calmed her down a bit, but then I had to finish up at the pump and she screamed the whole two minutes I was outside of the van and she was in. I never know what to do in this situations. Moments like this can take what felt like a seemingly "normal" day and throw it right back in my face that our life right now is nothing close to normal. It hurts, literally physically hurts my heart when I have to see her like that. A two year old's eyes should not scream sheer terror the way hers do. It's so wrong. It's so sad. It makes me an emotional mess because there are so many emotions it triggers. I am just sharing this one moment here, but moments like this happen all the time. I long for the day she realizes and trusts that I can be gone for a minute and I will be back.
Overall, today went pretty well. It was the "second" first day back to school, as we had a long weekend with the kids being home Friday and Monday. I expected Mercy to be clingy, so I prepared accordingly and sure enough she was. She had Vision and Speech Therapy this morning and being clingy, along with her desire to write her own agenda made her fairly uncooperative. We got through the two sessions, but I can't say I felt either was productive or moved her forward today. Once her therapists left she was stuck to my hip until lunch time. After lunch we played for a bit and then got ready for nap time. Today she fell asleep in my arms before she was even finished with her bottle. I had a long list of things I wanted to accomplish during nap time, but let it go to just soak in the moment of holding her. She has been home with us for a little over three months and I think I can still count on one hand the times she has actually slept in my arms. She normally fights it. So I knew this was a rare and important moment to take in.
She woke up happy. That is also a rarity. Actually I don't know that she has ever woke up from a nap happy. She has woken up happy in the morning, but never at nap time. I guess she just needed to be held tight?
Later this afternoon I had to run the kids to music lessons. Since the weather was so beautiful I took the two littlest to the park in between. Mason is such a sweet big brother to her. He carried her up the steps, positioned her on his lap and held her tight as he took her down the slide. As they reached the bottom she signed for more and he scooped her up and took her again. I don't think Mason weighs to much more then Mercy. She is a hefty little girl and he's a scrawny little boy. He struggled to carry her, but he did it proudly and with great perseverance. I loved watching them together.
Later tonight Mercy and I headed out to do some grocery shopping. I would normally leave her home with Scott, but the other kids needed to finish up homework so I thought eliminating the sweet little distraction known as Mercy might help. We got to the store and there was a pretty foul smell in the air. As I opened the door to get her out she was pinching her nose closed. Cracked me up.
After shopping I stopped to fill the gas tank because we have another trip down to CHOP tomorrow. As I was pumping the gas I could hear screaming from inside the car. I opened the door to find her screaming, shaking and crying. I knew instantly she was terrified because well one I've seen her like this many times before and two she was in the car alone as I was out pumping gas and it was dark. I felt so bad for her. I calmed her down a bit, but then I had to finish up at the pump and she screamed the whole two minutes I was outside of the van and she was in. I never know what to do in this situations. Moments like this can take what felt like a seemingly "normal" day and throw it right back in my face that our life right now is nothing close to normal. It hurts, literally physically hurts my heart when I have to see her like that. A two year old's eyes should not scream sheer terror the way hers do. It's so wrong. It's so sad. It makes me an emotional mess because there are so many emotions it triggers. I am just sharing this one moment here, but moments like this happen all the time. I long for the day she realizes and trusts that I can be gone for a minute and I will be back.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Three Months Home
It was three months ago today that we boarded a plane from China back
to the US with one of the most beautiful and amazing little two year
olds we have ever known. This girl has brought countless blessings to
our lives and that day, along with so many others, will forever be an
unforgettable, joy filled memory.
She has come so far in such a short amount of time. She has learned to walk (including walking on uneven surfaces), climb, talk, play with toys, eat by herself with a spoon or fork, drink from a cup, blow bubbles or blow candles out, hug and kiss. She has changed languages, attempted to try new foods, sleeps through the night and in her own bed (still in our room, but we'll take what we can get), plays pretend, and she finally will even pat the dog's head. She is also filling her role as a little sister soaking in every ounce of attention her siblings lavish on her.
All these things are wonderful and they give us hope for future progress. We love this girl more than we could have ever dreamed possible. We say it all the time, but can't help it because it's true, we could not imagine our life without her, not after three months time, not ever.
Here are some pictures of Mercy that have been taken over the past three months. Tell us what you think as you look at them. Better yet, leave a comment and tell her.
She has come so far in such a short amount of time. She has learned to walk (including walking on uneven surfaces), climb, talk, play with toys, eat by herself with a spoon or fork, drink from a cup, blow bubbles or blow candles out, hug and kiss. She has changed languages, attempted to try new foods, sleeps through the night and in her own bed (still in our room, but we'll take what we can get), plays pretend, and she finally will even pat the dog's head. She is also filling her role as a little sister soaking in every ounce of attention her siblings lavish on her.
All these things are wonderful and they give us hope for future progress. We love this girl more than we could have ever dreamed possible. We say it all the time, but can't help it because it's true, we could not imagine our life without her, not after three months time, not ever.
Here are some pictures of Mercy that have been taken over the past three months. Tell us what you think as you look at them. Better yet, leave a comment and tell her.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
More Fragile the Fine China
When I decided to blog about this adoption journey I vowed to be honest, and so far I have. I was honest about joys, anxiety, fear, anger, even my black tongue. But during the paperchase, the wait, and even during our time in China most of what I have blogged about has only been about me, or all of the positives since Mercy has joined our family. In the next few posts I want to share a little about the "hard" in adoption, at least from my experience so far.
I have been so hesitant to write about the "hard" because blogging is permanent and I know some day down the road my daughter could and probably will have access to reading this. I have wanted to be sensitive and protective of that day coming and what she will read. So Mercy, if you ever read this I want you to know that while everything I write is true, raw, honest emotion, none of what I write reflects "you" being hard, it only reflects the adoption process being hard. It reflects the my sinful human heart being hard. This is not about you, it's about mommy. You are more than worth the hard and I love you more than you will ever know or understand. It also does not reflect in any way us having any regret in adopting you. There is NO regret because I can't imagine my life, hard or easy, without you in it as my daughter.
Adoption is hard. I had a friend say to me this past week that she agreed 100% that adoption is hard. She even ventured to say that it is the reason so many people don't adopt, because they know how hard it is so they steer away from it. While I know adoption isn't for everyone (although it should be) if you have had even the slightest whisper from God drawing you to adopt don't let the "hard" scare you away. Because I can assure you that while it is hard, it is so unbelievably worth it. The reward is greater than the challenges.
This has been a tough three months for us on so many levels. For starters we are a pretty active family and lead a pretty busy life, so to live three months with a clear calendar and very little running around has been tough. One might think that it would be great to cut back activities and running, but it does get old after some time. Turing down trips, turing down summer picnics, pool parties, invitations here and there and many other summer fun activities has not been easy. Keeping to ourselves and limiting visitors when you are someone who lives for hospitality has not been easy either. Keeping family and friends at a distance when you would normally see them all the time. Giving up your mom coming every Wednesday night so you can get a date with your husband...that was really hard. Scott and I haven't been on a date in three months. Which only adds to difficulties. When do we find time to communicate, connect, be alone? Adoption is hard on a marriage. It's hard on a family.
Bonding and attachment is hard. Mercy has bonded well to the idea of us being her caretakers. She responds very well to both Scott and I and is willing to have either one of us meet her daily needs. But that is where it stops. She sees us as caretakers, no more no less. While she is willing to be held by us, fed by us, put to sleep by us, she is still lacking an emotional attachment. We have been told that we need to remember we are starting from scratch and emotionally we need to see her as a newborn. But it's difficult to see a 2 year old, who acts like a two year old on a daily basis, as a newborn. A newborn doesn't need discipline, a newborn doesn't tell you no or throw them self down in a temper tantrum or chuck toys at your head, spit on you (OK, maybe spit up, but that's different), hit you or demand to do things their way. A newborn sleeps more than twice a day and doesn't require a constant reassurance that you are there as they wrestle to find the peace to fall asleep. A newborn doesn't leave a room looking like a tornado swept through it. So while logically I get the idea of seeing Mercy being emotionally a newborn, the reality is she is not a newborn, but a very active, very strong-willed, very needy two year old.
I have had a few days in the past couple weeks when I have not felt an emotional connection with Mercy either. Where I have felt more like her caretaker than her mommy. It stunned me and brought about a condemnation like I have never experienced before. This past Saturday I sat on my bed crying for hours because the guilt was all consuming that I have had days when I just didn't want to love and care for her with the deep love in my heart that I have had on other days. I contacted my caseworker because it seemed serious enough to be addressed. I felt like there was something wrong with me. It was scary and I did have thoughts of wondering if we had made a mistake. (gasp) Not because there is something wrong with her, but because there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not capable of loving her they way she needs to be. Maybe there is a better mom out there for her that can love her everyday, not just some days. When I spoke on the phone with our agency I was frightened that as I was honest with them they may even think that they made a mistake. Maybe they would want to seek another family for her right away. The response I got in return was shocking to me: "Jane this is very normal." She reminded me that Mercy has only been with us for three months and emotional attachment for both the child and the parent can take years. She reminded me that everything with adoption seems backwards. She even went on to say that so many blog about their adoptions but they don't share the hard stuff for many reasons. Fear of judgement being at the top (so DON'T judge me), or fear of your child reading it someday (like me). That is what motivated me to write. I don't want people to think everything is OK when it's not. I don't want people to see me smiling as they pass by and think life is bliss now that she is home, because that's not true.
So what is true? The truth is we have good days and bad days. I know there are some that are reading this and saying well that's normal with biological children. Yes, BUT, it really is different. The hard days with biological children are different because at the end of the day you don't worry about having just destroyed any ounce of bonding and attachment progress you have just made. I don't want Mercy to see me as her caretaker for the rest of her life, I want her to see me as her mommy. I want to connect with her emotionally. I want her to come running to me when she is hurt or scared. Right now when she gets hurt, I run to her, and when I get there many times she pushes me away. When she is scared, she screams and I mean screams and seeing my face or touching her does not bring comfort to that fear. When my biological kids are hurt they find great comfort in a hug or kiss from mom or dad. When they wake up in the middle of the night scared we walk into their bedroom and our very presence brings peace to their fear. When thunder roars during a storm and my bio kids are scared they climb into our bed and they can fall asleep while it's still thundering. Mercy on the other hand thinks she needs to comfort herself, at two years old. It's heartbreaking. I mean it is HEARTBREAKING!!!
Everyday I am faced with the reality that this little girl is hurt and more fragile than fine China. (no pun intended) It's hard to care for her and not live in a constant fear of breaking her more. It's like one wrong move and she'll shatter to pieces. But even though she is fragile, she is also tough. She has walls built around her little heart at only two years old. It makes me cry puddles for her. This feels like to heavy a burden to bear and I feel nothing short of inadequate to raise this precious, sweet little girl. Yet here I am with her sleeping beside me, faced with the challenge every single day. A commitment I love and wouldn't change, but fear at the same time.
Here is the thing about this particular hard, it's a good hard. Good for me, good for Scott, good for my kids, good for Mercy. I know that while I don't see that on a daily basis I have to believe that there is good coming out of these difficult days. I have to believe that God knew what He was doing when He chose me to be her mother. He knows I'm not perfect, He knows my weaknesses, He knows my selfish heart, and He brought her into my life anyway. I trust He knows what He is doing when I don't have a clue what I'm doing. And I know that even if I do shatter her to pieces, as fragile as she is, He will heal every last broken piece of her and He will make her whole if she lets Him.
I have been so hesitant to write about the "hard" because blogging is permanent and I know some day down the road my daughter could and probably will have access to reading this. I have wanted to be sensitive and protective of that day coming and what she will read. So Mercy, if you ever read this I want you to know that while everything I write is true, raw, honest emotion, none of what I write reflects "you" being hard, it only reflects the adoption process being hard. It reflects the my sinful human heart being hard. This is not about you, it's about mommy. You are more than worth the hard and I love you more than you will ever know or understand. It also does not reflect in any way us having any regret in adopting you. There is NO regret because I can't imagine my life, hard or easy, without you in it as my daughter.
Adoption is hard. I had a friend say to me this past week that she agreed 100% that adoption is hard. She even ventured to say that it is the reason so many people don't adopt, because they know how hard it is so they steer away from it. While I know adoption isn't for everyone (although it should be) if you have had even the slightest whisper from God drawing you to adopt don't let the "hard" scare you away. Because I can assure you that while it is hard, it is so unbelievably worth it. The reward is greater than the challenges.
This has been a tough three months for us on so many levels. For starters we are a pretty active family and lead a pretty busy life, so to live three months with a clear calendar and very little running around has been tough. One might think that it would be great to cut back activities and running, but it does get old after some time. Turing down trips, turing down summer picnics, pool parties, invitations here and there and many other summer fun activities has not been easy. Keeping to ourselves and limiting visitors when you are someone who lives for hospitality has not been easy either. Keeping family and friends at a distance when you would normally see them all the time. Giving up your mom coming every Wednesday night so you can get a date with your husband...that was really hard. Scott and I haven't been on a date in three months. Which only adds to difficulties. When do we find time to communicate, connect, be alone? Adoption is hard on a marriage. It's hard on a family.
Bonding and attachment is hard. Mercy has bonded well to the idea of us being her caretakers. She responds very well to both Scott and I and is willing to have either one of us meet her daily needs. But that is where it stops. She sees us as caretakers, no more no less. While she is willing to be held by us, fed by us, put to sleep by us, she is still lacking an emotional attachment. We have been told that we need to remember we are starting from scratch and emotionally we need to see her as a newborn. But it's difficult to see a 2 year old, who acts like a two year old on a daily basis, as a newborn. A newborn doesn't need discipline, a newborn doesn't tell you no or throw them self down in a temper tantrum or chuck toys at your head, spit on you (OK, maybe spit up, but that's different), hit you or demand to do things their way. A newborn sleeps more than twice a day and doesn't require a constant reassurance that you are there as they wrestle to find the peace to fall asleep. A newborn doesn't leave a room looking like a tornado swept through it. So while logically I get the idea of seeing Mercy being emotionally a newborn, the reality is she is not a newborn, but a very active, very strong-willed, very needy two year old.
I have had a few days in the past couple weeks when I have not felt an emotional connection with Mercy either. Where I have felt more like her caretaker than her mommy. It stunned me and brought about a condemnation like I have never experienced before. This past Saturday I sat on my bed crying for hours because the guilt was all consuming that I have had days when I just didn't want to love and care for her with the deep love in my heart that I have had on other days. I contacted my caseworker because it seemed serious enough to be addressed. I felt like there was something wrong with me. It was scary and I did have thoughts of wondering if we had made a mistake. (gasp) Not because there is something wrong with her, but because there is something wrong with me. Maybe I'm not capable of loving her they way she needs to be. Maybe there is a better mom out there for her that can love her everyday, not just some days. When I spoke on the phone with our agency I was frightened that as I was honest with them they may even think that they made a mistake. Maybe they would want to seek another family for her right away. The response I got in return was shocking to me: "Jane this is very normal." She reminded me that Mercy has only been with us for three months and emotional attachment for both the child and the parent can take years. She reminded me that everything with adoption seems backwards. She even went on to say that so many blog about their adoptions but they don't share the hard stuff for many reasons. Fear of judgement being at the top (so DON'T judge me), or fear of your child reading it someday (like me). That is what motivated me to write. I don't want people to think everything is OK when it's not. I don't want people to see me smiling as they pass by and think life is bliss now that she is home, because that's not true.
So what is true? The truth is we have good days and bad days. I know there are some that are reading this and saying well that's normal with biological children. Yes, BUT, it really is different. The hard days with biological children are different because at the end of the day you don't worry about having just destroyed any ounce of bonding and attachment progress you have just made. I don't want Mercy to see me as her caretaker for the rest of her life, I want her to see me as her mommy. I want to connect with her emotionally. I want her to come running to me when she is hurt or scared. Right now when she gets hurt, I run to her, and when I get there many times she pushes me away. When she is scared, she screams and I mean screams and seeing my face or touching her does not bring comfort to that fear. When my biological kids are hurt they find great comfort in a hug or kiss from mom or dad. When they wake up in the middle of the night scared we walk into their bedroom and our very presence brings peace to their fear. When thunder roars during a storm and my bio kids are scared they climb into our bed and they can fall asleep while it's still thundering. Mercy on the other hand thinks she needs to comfort herself, at two years old. It's heartbreaking. I mean it is HEARTBREAKING!!!
Everyday I am faced with the reality that this little girl is hurt and more fragile than fine China. (no pun intended) It's hard to care for her and not live in a constant fear of breaking her more. It's like one wrong move and she'll shatter to pieces. But even though she is fragile, she is also tough. She has walls built around her little heart at only two years old. It makes me cry puddles for her. This feels like to heavy a burden to bear and I feel nothing short of inadequate to raise this precious, sweet little girl. Yet here I am with her sleeping beside me, faced with the challenge every single day. A commitment I love and wouldn't change, but fear at the same time.
Here is the thing about this particular hard, it's a good hard. Good for me, good for Scott, good for my kids, good for Mercy. I know that while I don't see that on a daily basis I have to believe that there is good coming out of these difficult days. I have to believe that God knew what He was doing when He chose me to be her mother. He knows I'm not perfect, He knows my weaknesses, He knows my selfish heart, and He brought her into my life anyway. I trust He knows what He is doing when I don't have a clue what I'm doing. And I know that even if I do shatter her to pieces, as fragile as she is, He will heal every last broken piece of her and He will make her whole if she lets Him.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
3 Months Since Gotcha
Three Months ago today she was placed in our arms and our hearts burst with love and joy.
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| THEN |
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| NOW |
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