Wednesday, April 11, 2012

A child born in a mother's heart.

I have random thoughts all the time about this adoption. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about our child. It's so different from a pregnancy, because you get a "due date" and you know in 9 months this baby is coming one way or another. There is so much unknown with this. I do know that as time goes on and we get further along in the process, that date will come, but even that is subject to change. And if this child is anything like my other three I should almost expect a date change because my other three were all LATE.
I have cried myself to sleep some nights thinking about whether or not anyone has hugged or kissed them goodnight, or good morning, longing for the time I get to be the one. But than my thoughts change to maybe they are not even born yet. Then I'll think things like I wonder what makes them smile, do they have things to smile about? Are they lonely, scared? Does someone show them what love is? Are they attached to someone that will make them grieve when we come to take them away? Are they 1, 2, 3 years old? Do they have a favorite toy, do they have any toy at all? If they aren't born yet, when will they be? Will we even know their real birth date?
Then my thoughts go to what is their biological mother like? Does she really want this child and due to circumstances couldn't keep them? Is she breaking inside at the loss of her child? Will she ever know that someone took them in and loved them? Is she afraid, depressed? And the tears flow for her, uncontrollably. I can't imagine having to part with one of my kids. I try to put myself in her shoes, but I just can't imagine it all. Then again, maybe she didn't want this child. Maybe she had no problems leaving them, but will she one day regret it? Oh the randomness in my mind could drive me crazy.
A dear woman reminded me of a saying I have seen and heard before. Of course, it never really meant anything to me, until this morning. I was reflecting on my other three kids and trying to find ways that this adoption process is the same and ways this adoption process is different from being pregnant with a biological child. It's way more different then the same, at least for me. But this saying really hit hard this morning and finally it made sense, real tangible sense. The saying is "you grew in mommy's heart instead of her tummy". Honestly, I found this saying to be rather weird. Although it makes more sense now. This child is growing in my heart. There is actually a lot of controversy about this saying. Mostly because people find fault in the fact that your biological children don't just grow in your tummy, they grow in your heart too. I'm not sure the quote is disqualifying that myself, I think it's just stating a fact and that is adoptive children do grow in their mommies hearts. If you don't understand that, it's OK, because I didn't until today. But it's so true, this child has invaded my heart, just like my other three did/do. And I imagine, just like my other three that this love will only grow more and more over time.

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