Are you scratching your head at the subject line, wondering what all of that means? Well I wish it were simple and I'll do my best to explain, but if you are still left scratching your head after reading this don't worry because I'm scratching mine too. And my explanation may not even be perfectly right...HA!
After we received our Letter of Approval (LOA) we then sent an application for our I800 Immigration approval. It took about two weeks to get the approval letter, which we did receive. While waiting for that we also sent our passports and visa application to a US consulate in Chicago with our travel visa request for Ch*na. We got our passports back complete with our Ch*na visas the same day we got our letter of approval. So the timing was perfect. After that we waited for the National Visa Center (NVC) to cable (basically email) our immigration approval to the US Consulate General in Ch*na. The purpose of this is to begin processing a visa application request for Mercy to get her visa when we are Ch*na so that she can return home with us. It also starts her US citizenship application so that the minute her feet touch US soil she instantly becomes an American Citizen. Then we have something called an Article 5. This is basically a letter that lets the Ch*nese Consulate know that Mercy is eligible to immigrate to the US. Our Article 5 was dropped off on Wednesday 3/27 and it will be picked up on Friday, 4/12. I
know you may not understand this, but for us it is GREAT news!
Once our Art5 is picked up it will then be couriered to CCCWA and we will await the
issuance of our travel approval. This can take anywhere from 2-8 weeks. All of this is just more paperwork, but the outcome is that we are getting a few more steps closer to traveling, a few more steps closer to seeing her, a few more steps closer to holding her, a few more steps closer to finalizing this adoption and a few more steps closer to bringing her home FOREVER! We are getting closer to meeting our daughter! And that is exciting, overwhelming and frightening all at the same time.
So we have stepped on the gas a bit in the "getting ready" department. We went shopping to buy those things that we have been putting off like diapers, wipes, bottles and PJ's. A dear friend came and helped me decorate her room. The crib is up and blankets and sheets are washed and ready. Another friend has graciously given us three bags of clothing (size 2T, 3T & 4T) and a bag of shoes. And yet another friend has given us a crib mattress. We have seen the Lord provide so much for us to prepare for her homecoming already and we are thankful for all this and more.
We have both been to our doctors for travel appointments and begun our immunizations. We are starting packing lists and trying to figure out what's important to take and what's not. We are reading up on attachment and bonding and trying to mentally prepare for what's ahead. The excitement and anticipation has been building in our kids too. Last weekend Mason won a prize and asked me to put it away for when Mercy comes home. Matthew bought a set of Tinkerbell stamps with his own money and asked me to put them away for when Mercy is older. Both of these gestures were completely of their own initiative. Their prayers are changing for her too. They have gone from praying she would have the food she needs and God would comfort her while she is in the orphanage to now praying that she will like and play with them and she will like the dog and not be afraid. They pray that she will like and eat the things mommy cooks so they don't have to eat Chinese all the time (haha). So their minds are transitioning from her life in China to her life here and it's such a blessing to see their little hearts and minds getting ready for her.
My prayer would be to not spend Mother's day without her. That's my prayer, but I have prayed things in the past and they didn't come to pass. So I will rest in God's perfect timing with hands open to when He would have us travel, and while I still struggle to let go it's getting easier.
So here is how you can be praying for us:
* that the next three steps would go smoothly and we would receive our travel approval quickly
* that when the time comes we would be able to book our "desired" flights
* pray that Mercy's heart would be ready for us and ours ready for her
* pray that as life here continues to get busy (end of school year creeping in, softball starting, and so on) we can focus on enjoying these final days here with our kids and not be so fixed on the future.
* pray that we hear back from an organization who we applied for adoption grant with and that we would somehow find favor to receive their help
* pray for a few upcoming phone calls to doctors and wisdom and direction as we begin to seek out the best medical care plan for Mercy's return
* pray that we continue to have faith and trust in God's timing and leading of this adoption as it has been a struggle for us from day one
* pray against fear, especially for me (Jane) as we get ready to travel...I don't travel well in our own country so this is way out of my comfort zone
* pray for Scott as he continues to juggle leading our family, managing a heavy work load at the office, managing our finances and prepares to become a daddy to four
* pray for our kids, for their fears about us traveling while they stay behind, for those gracious people who will care for them while we are away and for their hearts to continue to be open and ready for the changes that a new sister will bring
Friday, March 29, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Letter Seeking Confirmation
I am not very good at this blogging thing. I think about it all the time, but actually taking the time to sit down and write just doesn't seem to happen as often as I would like. But this week we have such an important day to document on this journey I knew I needed to set aside some time to blog.
We waited 83 days for our Letter Seeking Confirmation (also known as Letter of Approval) to finally come. This is a document sent by the Ch*na Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption that basically says they no longer see Mercy as an orphan, but as a child waiting for her family. It's a pretty big deal in the adoption world and without it everything was at a screeching halt. I am told to fasten my seat belt now because it's all down hill from here. Our agency says in about three more months we will travel to bring her home. We can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So here are a few things I want to remember as I reflect on the wait...
Waiting is hard and there is not much anyone can say to you that makes it easier. I'm not sure why that is, but if you know someone waiting just know that they are going through a tough season. However, waiting is good, yes it really is. It's good because during the wait God draws close, if you let Him. I learned a lot through the wait and maybe someday I can make some sense out of it and blog down some of the things I have learned.
God is Sovereign and His timing is perfect. I hated hearing that, I will confess it. Please don't take it personally if you were someone who said it to me! I heard it too many times to count and well quite frankly I got tired of that "Christian" line that you are supposed to be encouraged by but seldom are. Here's the thing, I might have hated hearing it, but I believe it to be true. And today I think it's safe to say I believe it to be more true than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope I will believe it to be more true than today. We prayed that we would travel to Ch*na for our daughters second birthday, well that happens to be this Sunday and here I am sitting in my house at my computer 11,000+ miles away from Ch*na. Is that a good thing? Well let me give you a window into this past week. On Tuesday we had to put our sweet dog of 14 years to sleep. Old age got the best of him, he was suffering, and it was time. On Tuesday night we spent the evening in a hospital with family visiting my Grandmother for what would wind up being the last time anyone saw her conscious. On Thursday afternoon she took her last breath and is now resting in her eternal home with Jesus. I think it's more than safe to say God knew this, we couldn't see any of it, but He knew and He knew we would need to be here and not in Ch*na...yet. I'm thankful that despite my grumbling and complaining and my pleading for quick travel, God did not answer the way I wanted. I'm so thankful I did not "get my way!" Is His timing perfect? Yes, I am choosing to trust that it is.
Here is another window into this past week. The very minute that my husband and I were at the vet saying a tear filled goodbye to our sweet dog, my phone began vibrating in my pocket. It was our caseworker and she was calling to tell us that DHL had just delivered our Letter Seeking Confirmation. So between saying goodbye to Bailey that morning and saying goodbye to my Grandmother that evening, we had this moment of joy to carry us through. But it gets better. Tuesday night I was able to tell my Grandmother that we finally received our approval for Mercy. My grandmother, having been adopted herself, has a sweet spot in her heart where she has held Mercy very close. She smiled and blew a kiss to Mercy's picture. She loved this little one who she has only known by a face. She has walked a mile in her shoes and she loved her deeply. I'm heartbroken that she will not get to meet her on this side of Heaven.
So while this may not be the most exciting LSC announcement circulating the blogger world today, it's our story and God is writing it and I am thankful.
We waited 83 days for our Letter Seeking Confirmation (also known as Letter of Approval) to finally come. This is a document sent by the Ch*na Center for Children's Welfare and Adoption that basically says they no longer see Mercy as an orphan, but as a child waiting for her family. It's a pretty big deal in the adoption world and without it everything was at a screeching halt. I am told to fasten my seat belt now because it's all down hill from here. Our agency says in about three more months we will travel to bring her home. We can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
So here are a few things I want to remember as I reflect on the wait...
Waiting is hard and there is not much anyone can say to you that makes it easier. I'm not sure why that is, but if you know someone waiting just know that they are going through a tough season. However, waiting is good, yes it really is. It's good because during the wait God draws close, if you let Him. I learned a lot through the wait and maybe someday I can make some sense out of it and blog down some of the things I have learned.
God is Sovereign and His timing is perfect. I hated hearing that, I will confess it. Please don't take it personally if you were someone who said it to me! I heard it too many times to count and well quite frankly I got tired of that "Christian" line that you are supposed to be encouraged by but seldom are. Here's the thing, I might have hated hearing it, but I believe it to be true. And today I think it's safe to say I believe it to be more true than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope I will believe it to be more true than today. We prayed that we would travel to Ch*na for our daughters second birthday, well that happens to be this Sunday and here I am sitting in my house at my computer 11,000+ miles away from Ch*na. Is that a good thing? Well let me give you a window into this past week. On Tuesday we had to put our sweet dog of 14 years to sleep. Old age got the best of him, he was suffering, and it was time. On Tuesday night we spent the evening in a hospital with family visiting my Grandmother for what would wind up being the last time anyone saw her conscious. On Thursday afternoon she took her last breath and is now resting in her eternal home with Jesus. I think it's more than safe to say God knew this, we couldn't see any of it, but He knew and He knew we would need to be here and not in Ch*na...yet. I'm thankful that despite my grumbling and complaining and my pleading for quick travel, God did not answer the way I wanted. I'm so thankful I did not "get my way!" Is His timing perfect? Yes, I am choosing to trust that it is.
Here is another window into this past week. The very minute that my husband and I were at the vet saying a tear filled goodbye to our sweet dog, my phone began vibrating in my pocket. It was our caseworker and she was calling to tell us that DHL had just delivered our Letter Seeking Confirmation. So between saying goodbye to Bailey that morning and saying goodbye to my Grandmother that evening, we had this moment of joy to carry us through. But it gets better. Tuesday night I was able to tell my Grandmother that we finally received our approval for Mercy. My grandmother, having been adopted herself, has a sweet spot in her heart where she has held Mercy very close. She smiled and blew a kiss to Mercy's picture. She loved this little one who she has only known by a face. She has walked a mile in her shoes and she loved her deeply. I'm heartbroken that she will not get to meet her on this side of Heaven.
So while this may not be the most exciting LSC announcement circulating the blogger world today, it's our story and God is writing it and I am thankful.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Impatience simply means...
Today I want to share with you a journal post that a fellow adoptive parent shared with me as she attempted
succeeded to encourage me in this season of waiting. She has written
in words what I often feel in my own heart, only she has done a much
better job of bringing clarity to this heart struggle. It's
not that hearing the phrase "God's timing is perfect" isn't true, it's
just not always the phrase one needs to hear to address what the real
heart of the matter is. I think my dear friend makes a clear point and
explains it best below.
If you are an adopting parent yourself, may you find encouragement in this, as I did. If you are a friend who wants to encourage an adopting parent, maybe you can find a new means of encouraging them or at least a better understanding at what they are really struggling with in the wait. For me, I do miss our daughter. I know that may be hard for someone who hasn't walked the path of adoption to really grasp. How do you miss someone you have never met? But I'm telling you her absence in our house is felt...Every. Single. Day.
A journal post from an anonymous adoptive parent:
"Here's
something I wrote about 2/3 through our first adoption process. I
surely did not understand before being an expectant-adoptive-parent how
hard the wait was. I did not understand how love grows before you
actually meet your child. When watching my friend go through an adoption
(before ours) I kept wondering why she was worried or not trusting in
God's timing. I had no clue really about the emotions involved. I have
since apologized to her! :-) So I have to keep that in mind when talking
to people who don't understand ... to understand that I was the same
way once. However, I had to "write this" to counter all the comments
sent my way about trusting God (even from my husband!) I had to put into
words that I could still trust in the Lord and be "impatient" but
impatience had to be defined….
Impatience
Defined
In our adoption process…
Impatience does not mean I don’t think everything will work out okay;
Impatience does not mean I am a control freak;
Impatience does not mean I do not trust in Providence;
Impatience does not mean I do not have confidence in my agency;
Impatience does not mean I don’t suppose my child is being cared for until I’m united;
Impatience does not mean I do not believe God’s timing is best.
Impatience simply means…I miss my child!"
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Babies R' Us Joys and Sorrows
We have begun working on Mercy's room this weekend. It was time to begin cleaning our stuff out to make room for hers. It's helping to bring a little excitment to this season of wait we are in. It lets us feel like we are "doing" something to continue to move closer to her homecoming.
This afternoon Scott and I were kid-free so we took advantage of the time and headed to Babies R' Us to look for a car seat and crib bedding. It was such a strange feeling to pull in the parking lot. I had many mixed and conflicting thoughts and emotions running through my head. I said to Scott how it seemed so strange to be heading inside to look for "our" own baby stuff. The last time we shopped at a Babies R' Us together was 13 years ago when we were pregnant with Michaela. Here we are thirteen years later and it felt just like that day oh so long ago. I had a twinge of excitement to be needing these things for a little one who is joining our family. Only the last time I had that kind of excitement I waddled into the store, and this time I walked in while watching all the other "waddling" women instead. That's when a new thought hit, "I'm too old for this." Seriously, everywhere I looked there was a young preggo mommy with a young dad pushing a shopping cart behind. I began to think people were staring at us wondering what we were doing there. I felt like I wanted to explain to every person we bumped into in each isle we shopped, "we're adopting." Needless to say there were moments it felt awkward, like I didn't belong.
Once I got past those awkward feelings, reminding myself I did belong then I got excited. It was fun to find a sippy cup that had cute ladybugs on it. I also got excited over a bib that is made of a material that feels like fabric, but can be wiped off like plastic, because it was practical and in a cute girly pattern. Then came picking out the car seat, which Scott researched for safety ratings, and bonus it was on sale, that was exciting! Slowly all that excitement began to turn to grief as we walked past the isle of bassinets, bouncy seats, and excersaucers. The reality of not needing any of those because our daughter will be two when we bring her home hit. Honestly, my heart ached a little because those objects were a sudden reminder that there is part of her life, those early years, that we have missed out on. Then we walked towards the bedding and I spotted a baby book. It had the most adorable cover and even matched the theme that I plan to do in her room. I got giddy with excitement to find such a perfect and beautiful cover on a baby book and grabbed it and opened it up and as I began paging through tears filled my eyes and I felt sick to my stomach as I read some of the questions to be filled in. You know the ones like "When I first found out I was pregnant I felt ____________." Why did it have to say "pregnant?" Why couldn't it have said "expecting?" Then there was the page of "firsts," the first time you ate solid food, the first time you slept through the night, the first time you rolled over, your first step, first word, first smile. It hurt so bad, just ached in the pit of my heart to know I will never know the answer to so many of those questions. It hurt to know that I have a book like that for each of my other three children, but this book that seemed so perfect at first glance of it's cover, was not going to work for our daughter. I put it down and walked away with so many conflicting thoughts. My heart aches for those answers so I can share them with Mercy, but I most likely never will. I will be at a complete loss for words when she wants to know what her first word was. My poor girl will have pieces missing and that's not the way it should be.
This afternoon Scott and I were kid-free so we took advantage of the time and headed to Babies R' Us to look for a car seat and crib bedding. It was such a strange feeling to pull in the parking lot. I had many mixed and conflicting thoughts and emotions running through my head. I said to Scott how it seemed so strange to be heading inside to look for "our" own baby stuff. The last time we shopped at a Babies R' Us together was 13 years ago when we were pregnant with Michaela. Here we are thirteen years later and it felt just like that day oh so long ago. I had a twinge of excitement to be needing these things for a little one who is joining our family. Only the last time I had that kind of excitement I waddled into the store, and this time I walked in while watching all the other "waddling" women instead. That's when a new thought hit, "I'm too old for this." Seriously, everywhere I looked there was a young preggo mommy with a young dad pushing a shopping cart behind. I began to think people were staring at us wondering what we were doing there. I felt like I wanted to explain to every person we bumped into in each isle we shopped, "we're adopting." Needless to say there were moments it felt awkward, like I didn't belong.
Once I got past those awkward feelings, reminding myself I did belong then I got excited. It was fun to find a sippy cup that had cute ladybugs on it. I also got excited over a bib that is made of a material that feels like fabric, but can be wiped off like plastic, because it was practical and in a cute girly pattern. Then came picking out the car seat, which Scott researched for safety ratings, and bonus it was on sale, that was exciting! Slowly all that excitement began to turn to grief as we walked past the isle of bassinets, bouncy seats, and excersaucers. The reality of not needing any of those because our daughter will be two when we bring her home hit. Honestly, my heart ached a little because those objects were a sudden reminder that there is part of her life, those early years, that we have missed out on. Then we walked towards the bedding and I spotted a baby book. It had the most adorable cover and even matched the theme that I plan to do in her room. I got giddy with excitement to find such a perfect and beautiful cover on a baby book and grabbed it and opened it up and as I began paging through tears filled my eyes and I felt sick to my stomach as I read some of the questions to be filled in. You know the ones like "When I first found out I was pregnant I felt ____________." Why did it have to say "pregnant?" Why couldn't it have said "expecting?" Then there was the page of "firsts," the first time you ate solid food, the first time you slept through the night, the first time you rolled over, your first step, first word, first smile. It hurt so bad, just ached in the pit of my heart to know I will never know the answer to so many of those questions. It hurt to know that I have a book like that for each of my other three children, but this book that seemed so perfect at first glance of it's cover, was not going to work for our daughter. I put it down and walked away with so many conflicting thoughts. My heart aches for those answers so I can share them with Mercy, but I most likely never will. I will be at a complete loss for words when she wants to know what her first word was. My poor girl will have pieces missing and that's not the way it should be.
Monday, January 7, 2013
While I'm Waiting
It has been a really hard week. I don't know how well I can portray it in words, but I'm at least going to give it a try. I often have expectations in this adoption process that when unmet leave me very disappointed. It's so hard to want things a certain way, and then remember you have zero control to make those things happen. You see I have prayed often that we would travel in March rather than May. Asking God to "move mountains" to make that miracle happen. I have even asked that we be in China to be with Mercy for her 2nd birthday which is the very beginning of March. I have wrestled all week, obsessively checking our email, hoping and praying for our Letter of Acceptance (LOA) to arrive, knowing we need to receive it this week if travel at the beginning of March would be a reality. Well this week came and went and nothing. At one point I received an email from our caseworker with a subject line of "Great News," my heart leaped as I thought it was our LOA, only to find that is was an update of a change being made in the adoption process, a great and positive change at that. However, I was robbed of the excitement this change was making to the process because I was to disappointed in it not being our LOA.
My emotions were up and down this weekend. I shared with Scott how I don't want to get past this season of waiting and look back and realize I spent the entire time worrying about the future only to find none of my fears and worries to come to pass. I shared that I am constantly reminding myself of the verse "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough of it's own." Last night I spent time praying. I see how I am struggling to control things, even through my prayers, to keep things on my timeline, to keep things moving in the direction I desire and want. Through praying I was reminded how little control, really no control at all, I have in this. And so like so many other things in my life I began to let go. I still went to bed with a desire to bring Mercy home soon, I still prayed the Lord would see fit to make that happen sooner rather than later and I still cried tears of grief that she is not hear to kiss goodnight.
I had a song in my head when I woke up this morning, it's one I heard earlier in the week. The song is John Waller's "While I'm Waiting." Part of the song is "I will worship you while I'm waiting," I prayed that as we head to church this morning this would be my heart's posture as I worship God this morning. In that moment I knew I could begin worshiping God just by thanking Him now. So I started thinking of things about this adoption I could be thankful for. As I began thanking Him for our other three children and how we have been able to witness such a heart of compassion being cultivated in them. How we get to see even in their own little ways how they love this little sister they have never met, how they too have a longing for her to be here, I was thankful for how this season of waiting is also teaching them. In this culture they are being raised in today "waiting" is not something they have to excercise often. How wonderful that they are learning at such a young age how to wait on the Lord for something so important to them. But even more than thanking Him for this lesson on waiting I also realized a few things as I brought my other three kids into the picture. And that is that if the Lord would answer our prayers to travel in the timeline we have placed before Him, we might possibly miss some very key events in the lives of our other children. I hadn't made that connection before, rather blind to it really, but now it was right there in front of me. After pondering some other things in the future of our calendar I realized that there are several reasons this spring that I would not want to be in Ch*na during certain times because of our other three kids. So I surrendered completely. I found myself thankful for the Lord's Sovereignty, that He is in control of this and He sees the bigger picture that my narrow vision does not see. I am so thankful I serve a Lord who loves me the way a perfect Father should. He hears my pleas, desires and requests, but He doesn't give me everything I want or ask for because He knows best. I am so thankful to have a new peace in my heart this morning to help soften this season of wait. I am so thankful for verses like "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough of it's own." Today I want to live for today, a day to be with my church family, to worship the Lord with them, to spend time with family and celebrate a few birthdays, and while I know I will think about Mercy often today, I am laying down my tendency to worry.
The Lord is really using a devotion that I have had for a couple years now to speak to me. I don't know why I would be in awe of today's message, which came after all that I wrote above. Moments like this I never see as a mere coincidence. Here was today's devotion:
"I AM LEADING YOU, STEP BY STEP, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy--even precarious. That is how it should be, Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you. Whever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go."
Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words in this law."
Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you."
My emotions were up and down this weekend. I shared with Scott how I don't want to get past this season of waiting and look back and realize I spent the entire time worrying about the future only to find none of my fears and worries to come to pass. I shared that I am constantly reminding myself of the verse "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough of it's own." Last night I spent time praying. I see how I am struggling to control things, even through my prayers, to keep things on my timeline, to keep things moving in the direction I desire and want. Through praying I was reminded how little control, really no control at all, I have in this. And so like so many other things in my life I began to let go. I still went to bed with a desire to bring Mercy home soon, I still prayed the Lord would see fit to make that happen sooner rather than later and I still cried tears of grief that she is not hear to kiss goodnight.
I had a song in my head when I woke up this morning, it's one I heard earlier in the week. The song is John Waller's "While I'm Waiting." Part of the song is "I will worship you while I'm waiting," I prayed that as we head to church this morning this would be my heart's posture as I worship God this morning. In that moment I knew I could begin worshiping God just by thanking Him now. So I started thinking of things about this adoption I could be thankful for. As I began thanking Him for our other three children and how we have been able to witness such a heart of compassion being cultivated in them. How we get to see even in their own little ways how they love this little sister they have never met, how they too have a longing for her to be here, I was thankful for how this season of waiting is also teaching them. In this culture they are being raised in today "waiting" is not something they have to excercise often. How wonderful that they are learning at such a young age how to wait on the Lord for something so important to them. But even more than thanking Him for this lesson on waiting I also realized a few things as I brought my other three kids into the picture. And that is that if the Lord would answer our prayers to travel in the timeline we have placed before Him, we might possibly miss some very key events in the lives of our other children. I hadn't made that connection before, rather blind to it really, but now it was right there in front of me. After pondering some other things in the future of our calendar I realized that there are several reasons this spring that I would not want to be in Ch*na during certain times because of our other three kids. So I surrendered completely. I found myself thankful for the Lord's Sovereignty, that He is in control of this and He sees the bigger picture that my narrow vision does not see. I am so thankful I serve a Lord who loves me the way a perfect Father should. He hears my pleas, desires and requests, but He doesn't give me everything I want or ask for because He knows best. I am so thankful to have a new peace in my heart this morning to help soften this season of wait. I am so thankful for verses like "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough of it's own." Today I want to live for today, a day to be with my church family, to worship the Lord with them, to spend time with family and celebrate a few birthdays, and while I know I will think about Mercy often today, I am laying down my tendency to worry.
The Lord is really using a devotion that I have had for a couple years now to speak to me. I don't know why I would be in awe of today's message, which came after all that I wrote above. Moments like this I never see as a mere coincidence. Here was today's devotion:
"I AM LEADING YOU, STEP BY STEP, through your life. Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day. Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy--even precarious. That is how it should be, Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things. When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine. This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion: doubting My promises to care for you. Whever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me. I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that. Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go."
Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words in this law."
Psalm 32:8 "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you."
John Waller "While I'm Waiting"
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Referral, The Final Hour
Thursday morning we woke up with a peace, confidence, and excitement in
our hearts. When I read my morning devotion it was as follows:
The whole week had felt so surreal, but we were ready;
ready to make that phone call and say to our caseworker "Yes, this is
our daughter." And that is exactly what we did. We had already sent
the paperwork the night before, so she set everything in motion and our
Letter of Intent was sent to Ch*na.
We woke the kids up for school and for the first time the boys got to see the face of their new little sister. Michaela had already known about her, but was now assured by us that she was "the one." Michaela knew that in her own heart all along; she had that childlike faith that Scott and I lacked. So she was beyond excited and couldn't believe it had taken us so long to decide. The boys looked at her picture with beaming smiles and little "aww's." Matthew actually sat down and read through her entire file, noting things he thought we should know about her...as if we hadn't read it 100 times ourselves. He studied his little sister and let us know the kinds of things she likes and doesn't like. It was endearing to see him read up on her like that. Mason asked if he could take her picture to school to show and tell his friends. Of course, we told him he had to wait because we needed to tell the rest of the family before we could tell friends.
We spent the day calling family and friends and telling them our exciting news. There was so much joy throughout the day. All that paperwork, all the day dreaming, all the wondering who God was calling us to was finally revealed through three little pictures and some words printed on a piece of paper. We would be lying to say fear doesn't still creep it's way in, we just fear the unknowns of how our life will be forever changed when she comes home. But what we don't fear any longer, is whether or not she is our daughter, we are sure she is. And there is a deep longing in our hearts to see her face in person, to hold her, kiss her, to learn her personality and to begin the healing her heart will need for all that her short little life has already endured.
"Come
to Me with all your weaknesses: physical, emotional, and spiritual.
Rest in the comfort of My Presence, remembering that nothing is
impossible with Me. Pry your mind away from your problems so you can
focus your attention on Me. Recall that I am able to do immeasurably
more than all you ask or imagine. Instead of trying to direct Me to do
this and that, seek to attune yourself to what I am already doing. When
anxiety attempts to wedge its way into your thoughts, remind yourself
that I am your Shepherd. The bottom line is that I am taking care of
you; therefore, you needn't be afraid of anything. Rather than trying
to maintain control over your life, abandon yourself to My will. Though
this may feel frightening--even dangerous the safest place to be is My
will."
The devotion gave three verses to reflect on that morning:
Luke 1:37 "For nothing will be impossible with God.”
Psalm
23:1-4 "The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He makes me lie
down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores
my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will
fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort
me. (ESV)
And
then there is the one that made me cry, both tears of sorrow for my doubting and
unbelieving heart, and tears of joy because we knew we had found our daughter.
If you follow this blog at all then you know that I have quoted this
verse over and over again during this adoption journey. It has almost
become my "life" verse for this adoption because we have lived in the
truth of it so many times. Well when this verse showed up in my morning
devotion I knew it was no coincidence and all those fears were washed away because I know this verse to
be true and I believe the Lord was doing it once again in our lives.
Everything we had prayed for the Lord answered in our daughter. We were
just to blind to see it until we sat in the church office and laid it
all out, and our eyes were open to seeing God's mighty hand at work and our
many prayers being answered all in the face of this beautiful little
girl.
Ephesians
3:20-21 "Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all
that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him
be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,
forever and ever. Amen." (ESV)
We woke the kids up for school and for the first time the boys got to see the face of their new little sister. Michaela had already known about her, but was now assured by us that she was "the one." Michaela knew that in her own heart all along; she had that childlike faith that Scott and I lacked. So she was beyond excited and couldn't believe it had taken us so long to decide. The boys looked at her picture with beaming smiles and little "aww's." Matthew actually sat down and read through her entire file, noting things he thought we should know about her...as if we hadn't read it 100 times ourselves. He studied his little sister and let us know the kinds of things she likes and doesn't like. It was endearing to see him read up on her like that. Mason asked if he could take her picture to school to show and tell his friends. Of course, we told him he had to wait because we needed to tell the rest of the family before we could tell friends.
We spent the day calling family and friends and telling them our exciting news. There was so much joy throughout the day. All that paperwork, all the day dreaming, all the wondering who God was calling us to was finally revealed through three little pictures and some words printed on a piece of paper. We would be lying to say fear doesn't still creep it's way in, we just fear the unknowns of how our life will be forever changed when she comes home. But what we don't fear any longer, is whether or not she is our daughter, we are sure she is. And there is a deep longing in our hearts to see her face in person, to hold her, kiss her, to learn her personality and to begin the healing her heart will need for all that her short little life has already endured.
Referral Day 3
Wednesday morning Scott and I were both up early. Scott had to return to the office, but wanted to spend some time praying before he left. I laid in bed, praying and reading my Bible too. I read my normal daily devotional for that day, and this is what it said:
"Give yourself fully to the adventure of today. Walk boldly along the path of Life, relying on your ever-present Companion. You have every reason to be confident, because My Presence accompanies you all the days of your life--and onward into eternity. Do not give in to fear or worry, those robbers of abundant living. Trust Me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them. Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfecter of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them. Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am holding you by your right hand. Nothing can separate you from My Presence!" (quoted from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)
The devotion than lead me to Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (ESV)
"Give yourself fully to the adventure of today. Walk boldly along the path of Life, relying on your ever-present Companion. You have every reason to be confident, because My Presence accompanies you all the days of your life--and onward into eternity. Do not give in to fear or worry, those robbers of abundant living. Trust Me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them. Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfecter of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them. Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am holding you by your right hand. Nothing can separate you from My Presence!" (quoted from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)
The devotion than lead me to Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (ESV)
Which then lead me to a verse I had highlighted in my Bible and know well, Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (ESV)
Then my eyes were drawn to another verse on the page, it wasn't highlighted, it's just where my eyes went. Isaiah 41:17 "When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the LORD will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them." (ESV)
In my prayer time and through the devotion and God's Word I knew the Lord was addressing my fears and His peace was right there with me.
Scott came in the room to say goodbye and I asked Him what he was hearing from the Lord. He too had an incredible quiet time and the Lord spoke to Him through verses in Matthew 7.
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If
you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to
those who ask him!"
The Lord reminded Scott how we had prayed that the file we received would be the ONLY file, and that we prayed for this very child and now were doubting that the Lord would give us this good gift. Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that any child is a bad gift, I am just saying that we wanted our first referral to be our child and we were no longer sure she was that child. Scott shared with me how he felt the Lord was rebuilding his confidence that this little girl was "the one." Scott using the word "confidence" really stood out to me because in my devotion it talked about being confident. Again we rested in the Peace that the Lord brought to our hearts.
Scott left for work, the kids got off to school and I was left to battle the thoughts in my mind, fears of the "what if syndrome" is what I like to call them now. Yes, as quickly as I rested in God's peace and believed He was leading us to adopt this very child, I just as quickly walked back into fear and question and doubt if this was our child. What can I say but I'm human. I cried periods of uncontrollable tears throughout the day. I talked on the phone with a friend and she suggested I contact someone who had an adopted child with a similar need and she might be able to encourage me or answer some of my fears. I called this woman who graciously spent time on the phone with me. I could hear her little one's in the background, but she gave me her full attention and looking back I know she was God's grace to me, a voice from him rather than a voice of fear.
Scott and I touched base on the phone and we both felt we needed to sit and seek some wise counsel for this decision because the clock was ticking and time was running out. He contacted our Pastor who graciously offered to meet with us that evening. My mom watched the kids and we headed to the church office. We laid it all out, fears, the "what ifs", the things the Lord had been showing us and speaking to our hearts. We spent a great time praying together and Scott and I walked away from that time feeling more confident again and encouraged. What we learned through the wisdom of our Pastor and his wife was that when we listened to God's voice things seemed so positive and there was always a peace about this little girl, but when we listed to man's voice, whether it was the voice of fear, or the voice of the doctor (who we remain thankful for because it was her job to share with us every possibility), or the voice on the internet (because I spent way to much time researching things on Wed. when left to myself), those were the times that the crippling fear and confusion came in. God was clearly showing us she was our daughter, He was giving us peace and confidence in that decision, and we kept doubting anyway. Scott sums it up best when he says "It's like we asked God the same question over and over again, Is she the one?" And God responded "yes, she's the one." Every. Single. Time. We were like Gideon, throwing out fleeces, getting the same answer, but still questioning. Thankfully we serve a gracious and faithful God who didn't give up on us while we doubted. We knew by Wednesday night that she was the one, I think we knew it all along, but now we had full confidence. Why we didn't have that all along was only because of our own human weaknesses.
Scott and I touched base on the phone and we both felt we needed to sit and seek some wise counsel for this decision because the clock was ticking and time was running out. He contacted our Pastor who graciously offered to meet with us that evening. My mom watched the kids and we headed to the church office. We laid it all out, fears, the "what ifs", the things the Lord had been showing us and speaking to our hearts. We spent a great time praying together and Scott and I walked away from that time feeling more confident again and encouraged. What we learned through the wisdom of our Pastor and his wife was that when we listened to God's voice things seemed so positive and there was always a peace about this little girl, but when we listed to man's voice, whether it was the voice of fear, or the voice of the doctor (who we remain thankful for because it was her job to share with us every possibility), or the voice on the internet (because I spent way to much time researching things on Wed. when left to myself), those were the times that the crippling fear and confusion came in. God was clearly showing us she was our daughter, He was giving us peace and confidence in that decision, and we kept doubting anyway. Scott sums it up best when he says "It's like we asked God the same question over and over again, Is she the one?" And God responded "yes, she's the one." Every. Single. Time. We were like Gideon, throwing out fleeces, getting the same answer, but still questioning. Thankfully we serve a gracious and faithful God who didn't give up on us while we doubted. We knew by Wednesday night that she was the one, I think we knew it all along, but now we had full confidence. Why we didn't have that all along was only because of our own human weaknesses.
Wednesday, we spoke with our caseworker, at MIDNIGHT, to tell her that we were emailing her our Letter Of Intent to adopt this little girl. We also told her that while we were confident she was the one we still wanted to wait until 9am the next morning. We had both decided that we wanted to give the Lord the night to allow us to "rest" in our yes. And that is exactly what happened.
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