Referral Day 3

Wednesday morning Scott and I were both up early.  Scott had to return to the office, but wanted to spend some time praying before he left.  I laid in bed, praying and reading my Bible too.  I read my normal daily devotional for that day, and this is what it said:

"Give yourself fully to the adventure of today.  Walk boldly along the path of Life, relying on your ever-present Companion.  You have every reason to be confident, because My Presence accompanies you all the days of your life--and onward into eternity.  Do not give in to fear or worry, those robbers of abundant living.  Trust Me enough to face problems as they come, rather than trying to anticipate them.  Fix your eyes on Me, the Author and Perfecter of your faith, and many difficulties on the road ahead will vanish before you reach them.  Whenever you start to feel afraid, remember that I am holding you by your right hand.  Nothing can separate you from My Presence!" (quoted from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young)

The devotion than lead me to Isaiah 41:13 "For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (ESV)

Which then lead me to a verse I had highlighted in my Bible and know well, Isaiah 41:10 "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."  (ESV)

Then my eyes were drawn to another verse on the page, it wasn't highlighted, it's just where my eyes went.  Isaiah 41:17 "When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, and their tongue is parched with thirst, I the LORD will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them." (ESV)

In my prayer time and through the devotion and God's Word I knew the Lord was addressing my fears and His peace was right there with me. 

Scott came in the room to say goodbye and I asked Him what he was hearing from the Lord.  He too had an incredible quiet time and the Lord spoke to Him through verses in Matthew 7.   

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent?  If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"   

The Lord reminded Scott how we had prayed that the file we received would be the ONLY file, and that we prayed for this very child and now were doubting that the Lord would give us this good gift.  Please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that any child is a bad gift, I am just saying that we wanted our first referral to be our child and we were no longer sure she was that child.  Scott shared with me how he felt the Lord was rebuilding his confidence that this little girl was "the one."   Scott using the word "confidence" really stood out to me because in my devotion it talked about being confident.  Again we rested in the Peace that the Lord brought to our hearts.

Scott left for work, the kids got off to school and I was left to battle the thoughts in my mind, fears of the "what if syndrome" is what I like to call them now.  Yes, as quickly as I rested in God's peace and believed He was leading us to adopt this very child, I just as quickly walked back into fear and question and doubt if this was our child.  What can I say but I'm human.  I cried periods of uncontrollable tears throughout the day.  I talked on the phone with a friend and she suggested I contact someone who had an adopted child with a similar need and she might be able to encourage me or answer some of my fears.  I called this woman who graciously spent time on the phone with me.  I could hear her little one's in the background, but she gave me her full attention and looking back I know she was God's grace to me, a voice from him rather than a voice of fear.

 Scott and I touched base on the phone and we both felt we needed to sit and seek some wise counsel for this decision because the clock was ticking and time was running out.  He contacted our Pastor who graciously offered to meet with us that evening.  My mom watched the kids and we headed to the church office.  We laid it all out, fears, the "what ifs", the things the Lord had been showing us and speaking to our hearts.  We spent a great time praying together and Scott and I walked away from that time feeling more confident again and encouraged.  What we learned through the wisdom of our Pastor and his wife was that when we listened to God's voice things seemed so positive and there was always a peace about this little girl, but when we listed to man's voice, whether it was the voice of fear, or the voice of the doctor (who we remain thankful for because it was her job to share with us every possibility), or the voice on the internet (because I spent way to much time researching things on Wed. when left to myself), those were the times that the crippling fear and confusion came in.  God was clearly showing us she was our daughter, He was giving us peace and confidence in that decision, and we kept doubting anyway.  Scott sums it up best when he says "It's like we asked God the same question over and over again, Is she the one?"  And God responded "yes, she's the one."  Every.  Single.  Time.  We were like Gideon, throwing out fleeces, getting the same answer, but still questioning.  Thankfully we serve a gracious and faithful God who didn't give up on us while we doubted.  We knew by Wednesday night that she was the one, I think we knew it all along, but now we had full confidence.  Why we didn't have that all along was only because of our own human weaknesses. 

Wednesday, we spoke with our caseworker, at MIDNIGHT, to tell her that we were emailing her our Letter Of Intent to adopt this little girl.  We also told her that while we were confident she was the one we still wanted to wait until 9am the next morning. We had both decided that we wanted to give the Lord the night to allow us to "rest" in our yes.  And that is exactly what happened.