While I'm Waiting

It has been a really hard week.  I don't know how well I can portray it in words, but I'm at least going to give it a try.  I often have expectations in this adoption process that when unmet leave me very disappointed.  It's so hard to want things a certain way, and then remember you have zero control to make those things happen.  You see I have prayed often that we would travel in  March rather than May.  Asking God to "move mountains" to make that miracle happen.  I have even asked that we be in China to be with Mercy for her 2nd birthday which is the very beginning of March.  I have wrestled all week, obsessively checking our email, hoping and praying for our Letter of Acceptance (LOA) to arrive, knowing we need to receive it this week if travel at the beginning of March would be a reality.  Well this week came and went and nothing.  At one point I received an email from our caseworker with a subject line of "Great News," my heart leaped as I thought it was our LOA, only to find that is was an update of a change being made in the adoption process, a great and positive change at that.  However, I was robbed of the excitement this change was making to the process because I was to disappointed in it not being our LOA.

My emotions were up and down this weekend.  I shared with Scott how I don't want to get past this season of waiting and look back and realize I spent the entire time worrying about the future only to find none of my fears and worries to come to pass.  I shared that I am constantly reminding myself of the verse "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough of it's own."  Last night I spent time praying.  I see how I am struggling to control things, even through my prayers, to keep things on my timeline, to keep things moving in the direction I desire and want.  Through praying I was reminded how little control, really no control at all, I have in this.  And so like so many other things in my life I began to let go.  I still went to bed with a desire to bring Mercy home soon, I still prayed the Lord would see fit to make that happen sooner rather than later and I still cried tears of grief that she is not hear to kiss goodnight.

I had a song in my head when I woke up this morning, it's one I heard earlier in the week.  The song is John Waller's "While I'm Waiting."  Part of the song is "I will worship you while I'm waiting,"  I prayed that as we head to church this morning this would be my heart's posture as I worship God this morning.  In that moment I knew I could begin worshiping God just by thanking Him now.  So I started thinking of things about this adoption I could be thankful for.  As I began thanking Him for our other three children and how we have been able to witness such a heart of compassion being cultivated in them.  How we get to see even in their own little ways how they love this little sister they have never met, how they too have a longing for her to be here, I was thankful for how this season of waiting is also teaching them.  In this culture they are being raised in today "waiting" is not something they have to excercise often.  How wonderful that they are learning at such a young age how to wait on the Lord for something so important to them.  But even more than thanking Him for this lesson on waiting I also realized a few things as I brought my other three kids into the picture.  And that is that if the Lord would answer our prayers to travel in the timeline we have placed before Him, we might possibly miss some very key events in the lives of our other children.  I hadn't made that connection before, rather blind to it really, but now it was right there in front of me.  After pondering some other things in the future of our calendar I realized that there are several reasons this spring that I would not want to be in Ch*na during certain times because of our other three kids.  So I surrendered completely.  I found myself thankful for the Lord's Sovereignty, that He is in control of this and He sees the bigger picture that my narrow vision does not see.  I am so thankful I serve a Lord who loves me the way a perfect Father should.  He hears my pleas, desires and requests, but He doesn't give me everything I want or ask for because He knows best.  I am so thankful to have a new peace in my heart this morning to help soften this season of wait.  I am so thankful for verses like "do not worry about tomorrow for today has enough of it's own."  Today I want to live for today, a day to be with my church family, to worship the Lord with them, to spend time with family and celebrate a few birthdays, and while I know I will think about Mercy often today, I am laying down my tendency to worry.

The Lord is really using a devotion that I have had for a couple years now to speak to me.  I don't know why I would be in awe of today's message, which came after all that I wrote above.  Moments like this I never see as a mere coincidence.  Here was today's devotion:

"I AM LEADING YOU, STEP BY STEP, through your life.  Hold My hand in trusting dependence, letting Me guide you through this day.  Your future looks uncertain and feels flimsy--even precarious.  That is how it should be, Secret things belong to the Lord, and future things are secret things.  When you try to figure out the future, you are grasping at things that are Mine.  This, like all forms of worry, is an act of rebellion:  doubting My promises to care for you. Whever you find yourself worrying about the future, repent and return to Me.  I will show you the next step forward, and the one after that, and the one after that.  Relax and enjoy the journey in My Presence, trusting Me to open up the way before you as you go."

Deuteronomy 29:29 "The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the words in this law."

Psalm 32:8  "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you."

 John Waller "While I'm Waiting"