Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Referral Day 2

Tuesday morning came too quickly, we got all three kids off to school.  We knew we needed more prayer for what this day was going to bring so Scott called the church office to inform our Pastors what was going on.  CHOP called around 8:30 in the morning to let us know they received the file and would be in touch again to schedule a conference call with Dr. Lockwood, the international pediatrician.  Scott put in for a half day from work and planned to work from home for the other half.  We decided not to tell the boys until we knew for sure that she was the one.  It would be too difficult for them to understand if we had to say no.

Scott read over her file some more and noticed that her caregiver at the orphanage had given her a nickname, Báixuě.  When he looked up the meaning it meant "white snow."  He didn't think much of it because it seemed fitting, after all her hair is white like snow.  But later on that morning, as he was looking out the sliding glass door in our family room and praying about whether or not this little girl was "the one," there just so happened to be big, fluffy, white snowflakes falling from the sky as well as a blanket of the white fluffy stuff all over the yard.  He felt the Lord was already beginning to confirm in his heart that she was our daughter.  We continued to talk about her, and pray about her throughout the day.  We were beginning to let our hearts go to that possibility that she was our daughter, the one we had prayed for, the one the Lord had called us to adopt.

Our CHOP appointment was set for 8:30pm.  We put the boys to bed and Michaela was at a Youth meeting.  We spent a little over an hour on the phone with Dr. Lockwood.  She was wonderful in giving us as much information as she could gather from this little girl's medical records and orphanage report.  She was wonderful in answering all of our questions and hearing our concerns.  The biggest problem that came from that phone conference was that it was her job to give us the best and worst case scenario.  And the worst case scenario brought about a crippling fear.  When we got off the phone I just wasn't sure anymore.  It felt like someone had sucker punched me right in the stomach.  I felt sick and scared.  We called our caseworker right away.  We thought we would be getting off the phone with Dr. Lockwood and calling Tiffany to say yes, but instead we were calling her to ask "what is the last possible minute we have to make this decision?"  She told us 9am on Thursday morning.  We shared some of our concerns and fears with her, and she assured us that very few parents make this decision without feeling some insecurities and uncertainties.  It is, after all, a walk of faith with so many unknowns, so many things you can't see.  Around 10pm Michaela returned home from Youth Group.  The dear friend who brought her home could tell we were distressed and she prayed with us.  Another grace along this difficult journey.

I cried a lot that night.  We truly did not know which way this was going to go.  We were scared, unsure and all we could do was pray.  We got to bed late again.  I once again wasn't sure I would be able to sleep, but thankfully sleep came, again.  

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