Babies R' Us Joys and Sorrows

We have begun working on Mercy's room this weekend.  It was time to begin cleaning our stuff out to make room for hers.  It's helping to bring a little excitment to this season of wait we are in.  It lets us feel like we are "doing" something to continue to move closer to her homecoming.

This afternoon Scott and I were kid-free so we took advantage of the time and headed to Babies R' Us to look for a car seat and crib bedding.  It was such a strange feeling to pull in the parking lot.  I had many mixed and conflicting thoughts and emotions running through my head.  I said to Scott how it seemed so strange to be heading inside to look for "our" own baby stuff.  The last time we shopped at a Babies R' Us together was 13 years ago when we were pregnant with Michaela.  Here we are thirteen years later and it felt just like that day oh so long ago.  I had a twinge of excitement to be needing these things for a little one who is joining our family.  Only the last time I had that kind of excitement I waddled into the store, and this time I walked in while watching all the other "waddling" women instead.  That's when a new thought hit, "I'm too old for this."  Seriously, everywhere I looked there was a young preggo mommy with a young dad pushing a shopping cart behind.  I began to think people were staring at us wondering what we were doing there.  I felt like I wanted to explain to every person we bumped into in each isle we shopped, "we're adopting."  Needless to say there were moments it felt awkward, like I didn't belong.

Once I got past those awkward feelings, reminding myself I did belong then I got excited.  It was fun to find a sippy cup that had cute ladybugs on it.  I also got excited over a bib that is made of a material that feels like fabric, but can be wiped off like plastic, because it was practical and in a cute girly pattern.  Then came picking out the car seat, which Scott researched for safety ratings, and bonus it was on sale, that was exciting!  Slowly all that excitement began to turn to grief as we walked past the isle of bassinets, bouncy seats, and excersaucers.  The reality of not needing any of those because our daughter will be two when we bring her home hit.  Honestly, my heart ached a little because those objects were a sudden reminder that there is part of her life, those early years, that we have missed out on.  Then we walked towards the bedding and I spotted a baby book.  It had the most adorable cover and even matched the theme that I plan to do in her room.  I got giddy with excitement to find such a perfect and beautiful cover on a baby book and grabbed it and opened it up and as I began paging through tears filled my eyes and I felt sick to my stomach as I read some of the questions to be filled in.  You know the ones like "When I first found out I was pregnant I felt ____________."  Why did it have to say "pregnant?"  Why couldn't it have said "expecting?"  Then there was the page of "firsts," the first time you ate solid food, the first time you slept through the night, the first time you rolled over, your first step, first word, first smile.  It hurt so bad, just ached in the pit of my heart to know I will never know the answer to so many of those questions.  It hurt to know that I have a book like that for each of my other three children, but this book that seemed so perfect at first glance of it's cover, was not going to work for our daughter.  I put it down and walked away with so many conflicting thoughts.  My heart aches for those answers so I can share them with Mercy, but I most likely never will.  I will be at a complete loss for words when she wants to know what her first word was.  My poor girl will have pieces missing and that's not the way it should be.