I'm spoiled and I'm learning just how much.

It's 3:30 in morning here.  I crashed at 10:30 last night and slept until now.  I tried laying in bed and falling back to sleep, but the tears began quickly and I didn't want to wake Scott up.  I spent some time praying through the tears and then I decided I would blog.  So please as you are reading this know that I'm in a bad place to start.  I'm typing to not only give you a genuine picture of how I "feel," to release some of these feelins and because we have a few dear friends who leave next week and the following and I don't want to put on rose colored glasses for them when my glasses are tinted with smog at the moment (spiritually and literally).

When we got picked up at the airport yesterday our guide was very sweet and friendly and was very open about the culture and life in Ch*na.  She even shared with us about the one child policy and how she doesn't have any siblings.  When we got to the hotel she walked us in, helped us check-in, and explained a few things to us including our other guide Rocky would be back for us at 2pm tomorrow (Sunday).  It was now around 3 pm on Saturday.  She got in the van and drove away and we headed to our room.  A short while later we realized that we had just been stranded.  Or at least that's what it felt like.  We were suddenly aware that we have no idea where anything is, we have no drinking water and know idea where to buy some, we need to eat dinner but also have no idea where to go eat. That's when things really started to spiral down.  The culture shock was hard enough, but as our throats began to feel scratchy and hurt from the air quality and smoke, and our mouths parched from hours since our last drink on the plane we felt stuck and fear began to have it's way with me.

After we woke up from our nap I pretty much spent the next hour or so crying.  I had very little control of my emotions.  Now we both know hugner, thirst and exhaustion were driving a lot of that, so we just gave time for the flood gates to have their way.  Scott decided he would venture out to find us some water and something to eat.  As he was getting ready to leave fear overcame me as thoughts of how will I know he's OK if he leaves and I'm here.  My mind ran with that and in the end we decided despite my out of control emotional state I should probably just go with him.  So we left.  I gripped his hand tight and we walked out into the dark night sky and down a street we have never been on looking for a place to get a drink...that would be safe and not make us sick.  We found a mall a few blocks down.  This mall was full of one high end store after another and all those familiar places of home.  McDonald's, Subway, Coldstone, DQ,  and all things Thai, Sushi and Chinese you could imagine.  But for me, in my fear-filled state, nothing felt right.  No one speaking english, everyone staring at you, and no guarentee that the water or food wouldn't make us sick.  We left.  I pleaded with Scott to just go back to the hotel and buy the warm $5.00 bottle of Evian sitting in our hotel room and having instant oatmeal for dinner, and that is exactly what we did.  I spent the next few hours of the night cyring some more and then passed out in bed.

I woke up at 3:00 to go tot he bathroom and now here I sit wide awake typing and crying.  Good grief I hope hte tears stop soon.  It reminds me of when Mason was born.  A few hours after his delivery I cried for hours uncontrolably.  No matter what I did I couldn't stop crying, even if I was laughing the tears tears still flowed.  I have concerns because we don't even have Mercy yet and my emotions are dominating all truth at the moment.  But I'm also hopeful because I have been in this place before and God has been faithful to walk me through it.  I have had a few condeming moments.  That thought of how fear can cripple me so badly and so hoping we wouldn't battle that here, that through the process I would have learned how to trust or battle it better.  Nope, instead here I sit feeling like I'm failing the good fight.  Oh well, it is what it is and if I look back then I know God will meet everyone of fears soon enough and things will get better.

We have a friend who grew up in Ch*na, as well as several who have traveled for adoption.  They all did a great job of preparing us for this.  I don't think there has been anything that has come as a surprise.  The smoky air inside, the smogging air outside, the traffic, the no making way for a pedestiran, the water, the people shoved like sardines in an airport shuttle, the invasion of personal space, the staring, and the uncomfortable bed (we will need a chiroprctor after this).  It's all just as people shared.  Even though we knew it, even though we thought we were prepared for it, there is nothing that could prepare you for the reality of it.  Knowing it and living it are two differnt things.  It is an instant remedy to any griping you want to do about life in America.  I am thankful for more things at this minute than I was at this time two days ago.  My heart will defintely be changed when it comes to appreciating the fresh air, clean drinking water, and all those comforts of home.  And here is the bigger dose of reality.  We aren't even in those remotely poor parts of Ch*na.  We are actually in a hotel that is considered to be 4-5 stars, with a busy street and high end mall a few blocks away.  I'm not even sure we are truly experiencing real Ch*na yet and I already hate it.  I prayed so many times that I would be able to embrace this culture while we are here.  That I could soak it all in, espeically for Mercy's sake.  This fear has to go and the fog lifted so that can still happen.  So please pray.  I miss my family, my bed, a cold glass of water, and the ability to breath without feelig sick.

I'm heading for Isaiah 43 and wherever else my eyes take me.  I'm going to read without my glasses hoping I can tire out my eyes for a little more sleep.  I'm hoping and praying this is the last depressing and melancholy post I make this trip.  That a turning point is just around the bend.  Sorry for whining and complaining, but hey at the moment there are actually no tears streaming down my cheek, so maybe this is just what I needed, to get it all out so I could move on.  I keep thinking of the song Forever Reign.  "you are peace you are peace when my fear is crippling."   Jesus is the Prince of Peace, here's to getting back to the knowledge of the truth in that.  I need to get my foucs off myself and all these "comfots" that I'm missing.  I am spoiled and this is proof of just how much.  UGH!